Through her company, Infinite Impact, Lakshmi offers her expertise as a High-Performance keynote speaker, executive leadership coach, and master facilitator for Dr. Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead™.
When you stumble or fall, what do you say to yourself?
Scenario 1
You put yourself out there: try something new, aim high, or speak up for what is right. In short, you step out of comfort into courage. It’d be great if you scored a tidy win. But instead, you stumble. You crash.
Do you…
Beat yourself up?
Doubt your abilities?
Compare yourself to others?
I’ve done all those things. In fact, if I’m being honest, I used to see them as proof of diligence, discipline, and a high bar.
Can anyone reading this relate?
Scenario 2
Now, think of someone you care for—a family member, friend, or beloved client—who did those brave things: trying something new, aiming high, or speaking up for what’s right. And they stumbled. They crashed.
How would you respond in their moment of despair? Would you doubt their abilities, beat them up, or compare them unfavorably to others?
Or would you:
Tell them you’re proud of them?
Remind them you’re in their corner?
Applaud their courage and resilience?
I know you’d applaud, support, and encourage them. I would, too.
Every. Single. Time.
So why do we beat ourselves up when WE’RE the ones being brave?
Here’s a simple tip paraphrasing Dr. Kristin Neff, who researches the science of self compassion:
Treat yourself like someone you love.
Use that voice. Use those words.
This was HARD for me. I was 100% able to extend compassion and empathy to many, but extending it to myself felt weak. As in, self-compassion = self-indulgence.
My clients—kind, generous, fierce, and tender leaders who didn’t see themselves how the rest of us saw them, people I care for deeply and am honored to partner with—inspired me to build the muscle.
Here is a short daily practice that I coach—and practice myself. It works for me because I’m usually tired, and this is SIMPLE:
I name three things I’m grateful for.
For anything where I took a chance and crashed, I honor the courage it took to try: “It would have been so much easier not to do that—great job trying.”
Building this muscle has been transformative for me. It’s helped me find the resilience, confidence, and optimism to turn many stumbles into steppingstones—and stay in the game.
Next time you stumble, try treating yourself like someone you love. That voice. Those words.
Even if it’s two steps forward and one step back, honor the courage it took to try.
Lakshmi Gopalkrishnan
I want to give special thanks to Lakshmi Gopalkrishnan for this post. We met in 2012 while training to be coaches at CTI in San Rafael, California. We completed a fast-track program and a rigorous certification that changed our lives.
Today, I collaborate with individuals, teams, and organizations using a powerful combination of coaching, branding, and marketing communications to inspire happiness and drive higher performance.
Through her company, Infinite Impact, Lakshmi offers her expertise as a High-Performance keynote speaker, executive leadership coach, and master facilitator for Dr. Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead™. Follow Lakshmi on LinkedIn for more energizing posts.
When Moneeka Settles isn’t teaching communication courses, solving organizational puzzles, or Telemark skiing, she’s busy helping Southern Oregon University’s Innovation & Leadership (INL) students transform their careers and ultimately lives. Over the course of her three-decade tenure in education, Moneeka has been one of the founding forces behind new schools and new programs—a role her master’s degree in organizational leadership at Columbia University, Teacher’s College, prepared her to excel at. Capiche’s Chris Cook has been teaching one of INL’s cornerstone courses—the popular Working with Emotional Intelligence—for SOU since 2013, and together, they have a passion for developing confident, inspiring leaders with the resourcefulness, knowledge, and skills to keep their organizations thriving, despite adversity.
A: I love being involved in the beginnings of new programs, and I love working in educational settings. I have been an educator for almost 30 years—starting with my work as a high school teacher and then as the director of a boarding school program in Portland, and then as one of the founding administrators of The Bay School of San Francisco. When my family moved to Ashland in 2011, I was immediately interested in teaching. I first worked at Rogue Community College and then applied to be the program coordinator for the Innovation & Leadership degree program at SOU. At the time, the degree was brand new—it had just been approved by the state. The first course was scheduled, and the first 17 students were enrolled. I was thrilled to market the degree, enroll students, schedule courses, and support the development of the degree and its students. My own master’s degree in organizational leadership at Columbia University, Teacher’s College, was modeled in a similar fashion to the INL degree—it was cohort-based and integrated many of the same types of courses, so I knew right away I could support the mission of this degree and enthusiastically nurture it.
Q: What is the mission of the Innovation & Leadership Program? What was the inspiration behind creating it, and how has it evolved over the years?
A: The Innovation & Leadership degree is a bachelor’s degree completion program for working professionals who are emerging and developing leaders within their organizations. The degree is designed to teach flexible high-demand skills for today’s job market, including interpersonal, technology, and business management skills. The degree was inspired by the realization that employers in the Rogue Valley wanted employees who had these strong skills and that there were adult learners in the Valley who had started their degrees but hadn’t found the right path to be able to complete them. The degree comprises courses selected from the Business, Communication, Emerging Media, Computer Science, and Psychology Departments to deliver a relevant and innovative degree path reflecting the realities of leadership in today’s workplace. The degree started by offering courses delivered in an accelerated face-to-face format with classes in the evening to increase access for working professionals, but we have since added a fully online format to reach students outside the Rogue Valley. We have accepted seven cohorts of students since the first group was accepted, and we continue to modify course offerings and delivery options to make sure we are meeting the needs of students and employers.
Q: As an accelerated bachelor’s degree program, INL draws a broad range of nontraditional students—from firefighters to bankers to real estate agents. What are a few of your favorite stories of transformation?
A: I do love the broad range of professionals our degree attracts. But, no matter the profession, the transformation I love hearing about is the increased confidence in leadership skills our students consistently share with me. A recent graduate who is a successful marketing director for a national organization said:
I really believe the innovative approach of this degree did much more than help me complete my degree. It helped me gain confidence, visibility, and respect at my company. I am now seen as an innovator and leader who backs up their thoughts/ideas with critical thought and structure. While I’ve always been creative and passionate at what I do, I didn’t always have the right tools to explain the whys. That’s where INL really helped me.
I also feel a bigger benefit of the INL degree is toward the employer as it inspires/encourages people to apply every learning in some way to their current role, and that keeps people sharp and engaged on top of driving business results.
I hear time and time again about how powerful it has been to build a network with the other students in the cohort, how many terrific ideas folks bring back to their workplaces after every class, and how much more confidence they have in themselves. So many of them said they were joining the program just to get the degree, but they left with so much more.
Q: Rogue Credit Union (RCU) is a big feeder into this program. What is it about the program that makes it such a great fit for RCU employees?
A: RCU has some key core values in common with the INL degree. Gene Pelham is an innovative leader, and the culture at Rogue is one in which they clearly support the continued growth of their employees. RCU values keeping their best and brightest employees while giving them the opportunity to expand their knowledge base without leaving the Valley. They also value cross-disciplinary skills—having employees who can think critically, work well in groups, and tackle the hard skills of business management. The INL degree teaches those skills, so it is a great match for their values. We have three great interviews featuring Gene Pelham and another with Laura Hansen on our Testimonial Videos page if anyone would like to learn more.
Q: You teach Organizational Communication at SOU. What are four tips you can share with those wishing to improve communication within their organizations?
A: I teach Organizational Communication with a particular framework in mind. That framework asks the following questions every time we build an organization or evaluate one:
How are you sharing the message to your employees that you can hear the human side of their experiences—their joys, worries, concerns, and hopes?
How are you using rituals, ceremonies, and stories to communicate the core mission and vision of your organization and to inspire engagement?
Have you evaluated the defined roles of employees and lines of communication between them to make sure both are structured to send the messages you intend to send about your organization?
Have you looked for opportunities to map the networks within and outside of your organization, and how will you communicate with those networks to anticipate everyone’s level of investment?
Q: You also teach Intercultural Communication. This study identifies three approaches to intercultural communication: indigenous (seeking to understand the meaning of different cultures); cultural (adds a focus on the individual’s sociocultural context); and cross-cultural (compares/contrasts cultures to identify cross-cultural validity and generalizability). For daily interactions, which do you think is the most pragmatic approach among the three—or do you recommend a combination or alternative methodology?
A: For daily interactions, I think it is key to seek to understand the meaning of different cultures and the context within which they exist. The trick is we often don’t know what all the elements are of our own cultural values, nor are we very adept at recognizing the element of another culture. Thus, we tend to stumble around, clashing into contrasting values while not realizing they are deeply rooted in culture. As an example, I’ve just started to read Rule Makers, Rule Breakers by the cultural psychologist Michelle Gelfand. She makes the very interesting argument that there are “tight” and “loose” cultures existing internationally and in the United States, and our connection to one or the other may very well explain why we are more or less comfortable following government mask-wearing mandates and why we are more or less comfortable with creativity and innovation. We may think our reactions to these circumstances are driven by our personalities or wishes, but they are actually tied to our cultural background. Knowing what that background is and how it matches with others is key to understanding how to work well together.
Q: Chris Cook has been teaching Working with Emotional Intelligence for SOU since 2013. It is one of the most popular courses and consistently earns high ratings from students. What unique strengths does Chris bring to the subject matter, and how does developing emotional intelligence equip students to succeed in their careers and their lives?
A: First, Chris brings a tremendous amount of passion for the subject matter. She credits the course with changing her life and often gets the same reaction from her students. It is immensely helpful that Chris is highly knowledgeable about the subject and deeply committed to it. She applies her learning and offers examples from the wide range of organizations she has consulted with. Her work with the Ashland Food Co-op, Mt. Ashland, the wine industry, and Rogue Credit Union, to name a few, means she can offer a myriad of real-world examples in her academic coursework. The course content is then meaningful and relevant for the students. Learning about one’s own emotional intelligence and how to strengthen it means students gain confidence in their leadership skills and people management skills.
Q: Chris is also on the Innovation & Leadership Program Advisory Board. Can you talk a bit about the board’s work and Chris’ contributions in that role?
A: The INL Advisory Board was developed this past year to ensure the INL degree is staying as relevant and innovative as it could be. Chris is one of seven board members who will meet with me to give feedback on our strategic plan, including the types of courses we offer to make sure we are staying in tune with organizational needs. I asked Chris and the others to join the board because they are well-respected and well-established leaders in their own organizations here in the Rogue Valley. Their wisdom and perspective are invaluable to me as we ensure this degree remains as meaningful as possible for prospective students and employers. Chris’ work in marketing, strategic planning, and team building are especially valuable to me in developing the success of this degree.
Q: Your favorite endeavors include solving organizational puzzles and proposing creative solutions. Can you give an example of an organizational puzzle you’ve solved that was particularly gratifying?
A: I have been lucky enough to have been a founding administrator to both the building of a brand-new high school and a brand-new university degree. Both of those endeavors faced multiple organizational puzzles that required creative solutions, thoughtful collaboration with others, and navigation of new waters. Both the high school and this INL degree have been successful, and since their success means students are completing the educational paths they desire, I find that particularly gratifying.
Q: Do you have any recommendations for businesses wanting to build resilience in the face of COVID and its concomitant regulations?
A: Each time I hear about the struggles organizations and businesses are facing because of COVID, I think about the message I have tried to learn from reading William Bridges, who states that it isn’t the change that is hard, it is the transitions. Transitions raise so many human reactions such as loss, hope, fear, and confidence. I believe leaders have to focus on helping the people in their organizations hold those emotions well so they can transition into new endeavors. Managing those emotions well will build resilience for everyone.
Q: If you read the interview with Hiram Towle in the previous segment of Capiche Conversations, you may have noticed a Telemark skiing theme emerging. Hiram (like you and Chris) is a fellow Telemark skier. You and Chris both participate in the Screamin’ Tele Lizard Classic, an annual event that takes place at Mt. Ashland. How would you describe this experience, and who does this fundraiser benefit?
A: Telemark skiing is a sport that takes a lot of perseverance to master, but, at the same time, Telemark skiers never take themselves too seriously. I love that about the sport and the people who do it. The Screamin’ Tele Lizard Classic embodies this in that everyone dresses up in very playful costumes to match the theme of the year and then does their very goofy best to Telemark ski through the race-course gates. We most definitely can’t take ourselves too seriously when, after the last gate, there is the option to go over a big jump, which inevitably makes us look silly and possibly flattens us as we cross the finish line. I love the joyful, playful nature of the race and the community that shows up for the fun. And it feels good to be raising funds for the Special Olympics.
Q: Last year, you served as chair of the Women’s Leadership Conference—an annual event that, like most conferences, was impacted by COVID. How did the organizers respond to the associated challenges? What was the theme in 2020, and what can we expect for 2021?
A: In the summer of 2019, the Women’s Leadership Conference had agreed on the theme of Embracing Change. This was well before we new what a predictive theme that would be. It is an important theme but has become an even more relevant one since the pandemic. We have kept that theme for our upcoming 2021 conference, which will be delivered virtually on May 7, 2021. We are excited because it means the conference can reach women even further afield than our Valley, and we are being met with a strong interest in this topic and a chance to connect over it. We have two incredible keynote speakers lined up and multiple breakout session speakers who will all speak to the skills and resilience we have all faced in embracing change this past year. More details can be found here.
As Winter Solstice is upon us with long nights now growing shorter, I daydream about the previous year. All that I am grateful for, all that I celebrate, and all that I cherish. You are part of that daydream, and today I offer you all my best with wishes for a joyful 2021, along with a promise. Many thanks to guest contributor Allan Weisbard of Healthy Optimism for his eloquent expression of this wish—and promise.
Shine Your Light. I’ll Shine Mine. Together We’ll See Our Way Through.
by Allan Weisbard, LCSW
All of us struggle with dark times, whether it’s a private, personal crisis or a public, worldwide crisis. As I shared in a recent Ashland Daily Tidings article, I learned this lesson early when two months shy of my 13th birthday I lost my younger brother to cancer. But I also learned that when we make our light shine bright, we can dispel the shadows.
Shining your light also helps others feel more resilient. Your light joins with and amplifies the optimism and resilience that others shine, creating a clear path through the darkness.
How to shine your light—even when it feels like you’re in a long, dark tunnel.
1. Cultivate Healthy Optimism
Tell yourself, “I will get through this. This too shall pass.”
2. Hold Integrity to Your Boundaries
COVID precautions are a sign of love and respect for family, friends, and community. Remembering this makes it easier to be firm in your limits.
3. Remember Kindness
Think positive thoughts toward everyone you see and choose to be kind every day. See all the little things people do for you each day and thank them.
4. Be Grateful and Appreciative
With modern medicine and technology, there is no better time to be living through a pandemic. We have a vaccine on the horizon, video conferencing, movies, and online ordering at our fingertips.
5. Look for the Silver Linings
It’s easy to concentrate on what you’ve lost, but look for what you’ve gained. I know that I have gained a more leisurely lifestyle with more time to explore new interests.
6. Challenge Pessimistic Thinking
Replace negative, self-limiting thoughts with positive self-talk. Focus on what went right instead of what went wrong. Find something that can bring you joy each day … fresh air, foliage, clouds, etc.
7. Seek a Sense of Awe
A sense of awe is valuable for getting through hard times. Enjoying nature in-person or on shows is soothing. Actively seek out moments of awe to increase your positive emotions and decrease stress.
8. Remain Socially Connected While Physically Distant
Many people have reconnected with friends and relatives utilizing Zoom. A continued sense of social bonds is a key to happiness. Is there someone you can reach out to?
9. Curate Exposure to the News and Social Media
Find some good news and share it with others! Feel free to take a news sabbatical. Read other sections of the paper such as science, health, or book reviews.
10. Imagine Positive, Joyful Outcomes
Making a positive Post-Pandemic Plan for yourself helps you to start living that positive outcome in your mind. I look forward to travel and visiting friends and family, without worrying. What are some activities you’re looking forward to?
Inside the word emergency is the root word emerge. How do you want to emerge differently from this crisis/opportunity?
Your Optimism Challenge:
I encourage you to choose a few ideas from this list and try them and see how it can strengthen your resilience. If you’re still having trouble getting your light to shine, reach out to a friend or a professional for help. I’d love to hear what works for you.
Note: Reprinted with the author’s permission; the original blog post can be found here.
COVID-19 is spiking, Oregon’s Governor Brown just declared a two-week freeze, and businesses are scrambling to determine what the 2021 landscape will look like. Some predict the virus’s spread will worsen and further shutdowns will be necessary, while others anticipate a return to quasi-normality following the introduction of a vaccine. In any case, uncertainty is the name of the game.
As a leader, you need to be prepared for not just the present, not just what’s around the corner, but what lies beyond the foreseeable future. Instead of lamenting potential revenue losses during these fragile times, begin to think of this pause as an opportunity to deepen your and your team’s knowledge, skills, and vision so your company is resilient enough to withstand and even triumph during times of crisis.
To give your organization the best chance of surviving—and thriving—you need to focus on your own growth, sanding down the rough edges while equipping yourself with a toolkit for success.
Co-Active Coaching
Executive coaching can take you there … but not just any type of executive coaching. Capiche leans on co-active coaching techniques like those taught at the Co-Active Training Institute, which emphasize clarity of communication, conversation, awareness-raising, and concrete actions.
A co-active leadership coach partners with you to reveal your strengths and push you toward greatness. Together, you will identify problem areas and strategies for addressing those weaknesses. Be prepared to be inspired—and held accountable.
Are You Ready?
Before you dive in, ask yourself, Are You Ready to Be Coached? Don’t fool yourself—the co-active coaching process is hard work. But that hard work yields exceptional results.
Growth can be painful. It may require you to examine aspects of yourself you’d rather leave hidden. Exposing those vulnerabilities, however, can divest them of their power over you and enable you to rise above them.
Co-active coaching is a creative, experimental process. You need to enter it with an open, willing mind to fully benefit from the experience.
You also need to let go of perfectionism—waiting for the perfect moment to start, the perfect moment to pursue a new idea, the perfect moment to resolve issues that have been festering underneath the surface. The perfect moment is NOW.
What Do You Get Out of Co-Active Coaching?
Honing your emotional intelligence (EI), strengthening your willpower muscle, developing true grit, deepening your humility, heightening your sense of responsibility—all of these occur as part of the co-active coaching process and ultimately result in your becoming the finest leader you possibly can be.
Perhaps the best-known executive coach in the world, Marshall Goldsmith has conducted extensive research on what drives leadership success. As discussed in this Capiche blog post, the level of employee engagement is not the responsibility of the employees but rather their managers. It is when leaders accept that responsibility that their team begins to mirror that behavior back. You need to model the type of person you would like your team members to be.
Is it worth the effort? If you care about your company, your team, and yourself, then the answer is an emphatic “Yes!”
It illuminates how to leverage your existing strengths.
It enables you to build more productive relationships.
It gives you the tools to achieve what you want.
It’s Time
So you’re convinced. You realize it’s time to stop procrastinating and to commit to co-active coaching. How do you find the right fit for your personality, needs, and goals? Read this blog post for starters. Then contact Chris Cook at chris@capiche.us or 541.601.0114 to schedule a complimentary phone or video consultation so you can discover if she is the right co-active leadership coach for you.
There’s a reason Eureka moments tend to strike in the shower—or in the case of Archimedes, the bath. Performing mindless activities gives our brain an opportunity to relax, kicking the prefrontal cortex (a.k.a. the brain’s command center) into autopilot mode. That daydreamy state is when creativity emerges.
In this Business Insider article on why 72% of people get their best ideas in the shower, Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman explains, “The relaxing, solitary, and non-judgmental shower environment may afford creative thinking by allowing the mind to wander freely and causing people to be more open to their inner stream of consciousness and daydreams.”
Whether we’re scrubbing dishes or practicing meditation, letting our brain idle increases alpha brain wave activity, known to boost creativity and reduce depression.
How does this translate to the workplace? No, we’re not saying you should install showers or offer transcendental meditation classes (although that may not be such a bad idea). Rather, you may wish to cultivate an organizational culture that encourages play, humor, quiet, and relaxation—all ingredients to heightened productivity and creative flow, most famously studied by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.
No number of hacky sacks and hammocks will counteract the toxic miasma of a stressful, high-anxiety workplace, however, and that cortisol-spiking atmosphere often starts at the top.
If an organization’s leaders exhibit stress, fear, rigidity, and panic under pressure, those emotions quickly spread to the employees.
How many times have you entered a meeting in a good mood only to leave feeling anxious and tense? This article by Psychologist Daniel Goleman discusses a study that revealed the contagious nature of moods in work groups and calls on leaders to practice the emotional intelligence necessary to prevent their own stress from infecting the group.
It’s no surprise that people want calm, assertive leaders as this Psychology Today piece explains. If you are wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery, do you want the head surgeon to fly into hysterics, or do you want her to calmly assess the situation, lay out a clear plan of action, and set to work?
How people respond to crises reveals a lot about them, and demonstrating resilience, resourcefulness, and ingenuity in the face of obstacles instills employees with confidence and trust in their leadership.
“When your body is not aligned,
The inner power will not come.
When you are not tranquil within,
Your mind will not be well ordered.
Align your body, assist the inner power,
Then it will gradually come on its own.”
If you want your employees to achieve the optimal performance, relaxed alertness, and creativity possible in a serene, inspiring environment, you need to cultivate your own inner balance, emotional intelligence, and mental well-being.
Once again, I’m working with a group of motivated professionals who all have good jobs—careers even—but no college degree. They’re enrolled in a degree-completion program at Southern Oregon University called Innovation and Leadership. They’re taking my class Working with Emotional Intelligence and are all making strides toward increasing their own EI. It’s amazing how simple it is if you focus on it!
This blog post shares their first assigned Exploration toward developing EI.* It all begins with self-awareness. As you read through the Exploration, consider how you relate to the content and what you can do to increase your own EI.
Exploration #1
Are you aware of how you feel—and how you respond to those feelings? We can go through our day on automatic pilot, which works for tasks that don’t require much thought like brushing our teeth or taking a shower. There are times, however, when being mindless about situations causes us to react instead of respond in a proactive manner. If we get an email or call from someone that angers us, do we stop to think about the emotion, where it came from, and how to respond in a way that results in beneficial outcomes? Or do we unconsciously react in a manner that undermines or sabotages relationships with self or others?
When we are aware of how we are feeling inside, we are more likely to consciously choose a response instead of reacting without considering the results of our actions. Try to take some time to become aware of how you feel in different situations and why. Recognize your emotions and the effects of those emotions.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What has caused me to feel this way?
What are the thoughts that follow that emotion?
How does that thought align or not align with my values?
Have I experienced this before?
What could I change to bring these thoughts into closer alignment with my values?
You may want to target a problem situation and increase your awareness about the emotions, thoughts, and reactions regarding the problem. You do not have to do anything different during this time—simply be aware of how you are feeling, what is causing those feelings, and how they correspond with your core values. Remember, this exploration focuses on self-awareness; you do not have to fix anything. Simply be aware, starting from the inside.
Consider your experiences, what you learned, and what did or did not work for you. You may even want to journal about this topic.
Want to Boost Your EI?
If you’re interested in learning more about emotional intelligence, let’s talk. I help both individuals and teams increase their individual and collective EI.
*Adapted from Dr. Jennifer Joss’ “Living With” EI exercises.
WHY BOTHER WITH EI?
What will get you $29,000 more per year, make you 58% more effective at your job, and rank you with 90% of top performers? Greater emotional intelligence.
Unless you want to be among the 80% of low-EQ employees classed as “bottom performers,” it’s time to discover how you can accelerate your career and become a better leader by developing your emotional intelligence.
Studies show those with average IQs outshine their highest-IQ counterparts 70% of the time because of their EQ.
Whereas IQ and personality are static elements of your makeup, you can always increase your emotional intelligence (thanks to the wonders of neuroplasticity)—and doing so will make a surprising difference in both your life and work.
This first competency comprises self-awareness (observation) and self-management (actions). Your observation skills, sensitivity, and ability to control your emotions come into play here. How conscious are you of your emotions, and how accurate are your self-perceptions? Do you practice mindfulness to remain aware of your emotions, and are you able to take a step back and regulate them when needed? How malleable are you, and can you transform a negative emotion into a positive action?
Social Competence
This competency focuses on social awareness (observation) and relationship management (actions), mapping the reflection and regulation required for personal competence to social situations and relationships. How well do you understand the motives, actions, and moods of those around you? Do you intuitively sense people’s emotions and accurately perceive their intentions? Can you use these perceptions to navigate relationships and communicate successfully?
Have you ever had a moment of realization that all you’ve been doing lately is complaining? It can happen to the best of us. With blatant disregard for schedules, increasing incivility as the norm, and an ever-multiplying pile of work on our plates, it’s no surprise. Seems there’s plenty to complain about.
So how are your complaints received? In most cases, I’m guessing your answer is “not so well.”
Here’s another idea. See if you can find a request in your complaint—and get curious. Instead of complaining about Amber’s perpetual tardiness and Jason’s curt tone in meetings, try these two tactics.
Find the request in your complaint. Decide what would make the situation better and ask for it. Make the request. This is the most straightforward and emotionally intelligent tactic. And you’ll be surprised how effective it is! (e.g., Instead of complaining to whomever will listen that Amber is always late, you say directly, “Amber, your tardiness upsets the team’s workflow. Would you please be more conscientious about our starting time?” She replies, “Oh, I apologize. Sometimes I get so caught up in my kids’ last-minute needs, I forget that you are counting on me to …”)
Get curious. See what you can uncover about the offender. You may find legitimate circumstances contributing to the offensive behavior. And you may find you have more in common than you ever imagined. While that doesn’t excuse the behavior, it can help you develop a better relationship so you can talk reasonably about the behavior and make the request described in Tactic #1. These relationships create long-term benefits when you have ongoing collaborations.
What’s so bad about complaining? Plenty. It derails progress, creates negativity, and amplifies the annoyance and destructive feelings already present. It improves nothing.
You may be surprised how pervasive complaining is in our culture. When legendary Executive Coach Marshall Goldsmithinterviewed more than 200 of his clients, he discovered something that matched previous research he had read but still found hard to believe: “a majority of employees spend 10 or more hours per month complaining—or listening to others complain. Even more amazing, almost a third spend 20 hours or more per month doing so.”
Just think what could be possible if that time was shifted to actively asking for what you need and building relationships. A lot more positivity and progress would be possible—and isn’t that what we strive for?
If you’re looking to create a more positive culture in your work environment, call 541.601.0114 or email Chris for an initial conversation. Let’s tap into your organization’s positivity and unleash its potential.
But the internet also has the capacity to connect kindred spirits across the oceans, create community and cultivate empathy. You just need to know where to look.
What Is Empathy?
Surprisingly, many of us aren’t clear on what empathy really is. I love Brené Brown’s simple explanation:
empathy accuracy: the ability to assess another’s internal state;
self-empathy: possessing a sense of identity and agency;
cognitive empathy: recognizing, understanding and predicting others’ thoughts and emotions;
affective empathy: feeling what others feel;
imaginative empathy: role-playing; and
empathic concern: being compassionate toward others.
The article Developing Empathy in the Digital Age further explores how educators can strengthen students’ empathy. Arguing that technology cannot create the conditions (e.g., eye contact, conversation, vulnerability) required to develop such skills, Matthew S. Howell thinks reducing time spent on screens is a step toward reclaiming our humanity. With the average person staring at a screen for 10.5 hours a day—and research indicating digital stimulation can cause damage to the part of the brain (insula) related to developing empathy—instituting practices like Screen-Free Fridays at schools can help students rediscover face-to-face connections. How could you carry this over to your workplace?
Counteracting Negativity with Positivity
This GoodThink article on spreading positivity online suggests we can counteract the destructive patterns of cyberbullying and negativity through such simple acts as watching videos by and positively rating valuable content. When we reward the creators of constructive content instead of getting sucked into gossipy, cruel feedback loops, we are magnifying the impact of those positive messages and diminishing that of the negative ones.
In “Empathy and Vulnerability in the Digital Age,” Richard Raber writes eloquently about the power of the internet to simultaneously propagate voyeurism and identification, judgmentalism and understanding, pity and empathy—suggesting we can harness technology to support “meaningful action and empathic construction … if we can find ways of binding together our fractured sense of self and community instead of allowing social media and the internet to splinter us.”
Digital Tools for Strengthening Empathy
So how can we foster community, deepen our sense of connection and stimulate empathy in this digital age? By storytelling, witnessing, listening.
Here are eight tools to help with that journey:
The Moth: Listen to ordinary individuals share funny, educational and poignant stories like this one that will influence the way you see others and stay with you for years.
School of Life: Explore fascinating topics such as philosophy, love, psychotherapy, political theory and emotional intelligence through aesthetically compelling, thoughtful videos like The Meaning of Life – in 60 Seconds.
SoulPancake: This more lighthearted channel approaches topics ranging from dating to biases to forgiveness to kitten therapy with humor and compassion.
Humans of New York: View photos and learn the moving stories of individuals living on the streets of New York City.
Seize Your Moments: If you’re tired of being bombarded by cynical news about the worst of humanity, take a moment to refresh with these inspirational stories from around the world.
The Good Cards: Instead of going on a meaningless goose chase for Pokémon Go, try a game that encourages you to practice a good deed, one card at a time.
Other Ideas?
What are your favorite ways to cultivate empathy in the digital age? We’d love to hear your ideas.
Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?
Can I tell I’m special to you by the way you look at me?
At this time of year as many of us come together to celebrate our beliefs, the need for human connection seems even more acute. Last month, a friend posted on Facebook a link to an article I found especially poignant. I shared the article with my Emotional Intelligence class as we explored how to be in meaningful relationships.
In How to Change Your Life in One Second Flat, Katherine Schafler argues that we are always asking these four questions of everyone in our midst—everyone we have relationships with—from strangers at the grocery store to our romantic partners.
She says these questions are rarely verbalized, and neither are the answers. They are asked unconsciously and answered with actions, not words. Schafler notes that Maya Angelou is the one who first spoke about these four questions (although Schafler doesn’t cite her source). It makes sense though, as Angelou is also credited with saying, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Think about it. How do you feel when a stranger compliments you while in line at the grocery store? How do you feel when your partner doesn’t look up from their phone when you walk into the room?
The takeaway for me is to remember to be fully present with people and to appreciate them for who they are. All it takes is a split second to “see” someone, and that makes all the difference.
Look around you. What do you see? Hurricanes, fires, mass shootings, political shenanigans, incivility, disrespect, abuse and fear? The list goes on.
What are you doing about it? There’s so much … where can you start? Some of us are volunteering to help disaster victims. Others are supporting relief efforts financially. Many have posted #metoo on their Twitter or Facebook accounts.
This is a time in which a good dollop of resilience can make a difference in how you are dealing with the melee. A time when grit is good. When optimism can help both you and those around you.
To inspire my own optimism, I pulled out a blog post from last August in which I quoted Christian D. Larson’s “Creed for Optimists,” written in 1912.
Here it is again.
Promise yourself to:
Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
Make all your friends feel there is something special in them.
Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best.
Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give everyone a smile.
Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others.
Be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
Think well of yourself and proclaim this fact to the world—not in loud words—but in great deeds.
Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
While this may seem frivolous in light of all that is happening, what would be possible if you were to incorporate just one or two of these points into your daily life? Would positivity spread? I’m not suggesting you give up on any other efforts to help with the negatives—just try adding one or two of these positives.
A: I love being involved in the beginnings of new programs, and I love working in educational settings. I have been an educator for almost 30 years—starting with my work as a high school teacher and then as the director of a boarding school program in Portland, and then as one of the founding administrators of 
Q: As an accelerated bachelor’s degree program, INL draws a broad range of nontraditional students—from firefighters to bankers to real estate agents. What are a few of your favorite stories of transformation?
Q: Chris Cook has been teaching Working with Emotional Intelligence for SOU since 2013. It is one of the most popular courses and consistently earns high ratings from students. What unique strengths does Chris bring to the subject matter, and how does developing emotional intelligence equip students to succeed in their careers and their lives?
A: I have been lucky enough to have been a founding administrator to both the building of a brand-new high school and a brand-new university degree. Both of those endeavors faced multiple organizational puzzles that required creative solutions, thoughtful collaboration with others, and navigation of new waters. Both the high school and this INL degree have been successful, and since their success means students are completing the educational paths they desire, I find that particularly gratifying.
