Archive for gratitude

Self compassion

We All Stumble or Fall. But Then What?

Posted by Chris Cook on
 August 15, 2024
  ·  No Comments
Lakshmi
Written by Lakshmi Gopalkrishnan
Through her company, Infinite Impact, Lakshmi offers her expertise as a High-Performance keynote speaker,  executive leadership coach, and master facilitator for Dr. Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead™.  

 

When you stumble or fall, what do you say to yourself?

Scenario 1

You put yourself out there: try something new, aim high, or speak up for what is right. In short, you step out of comfort into courage. It’d be great if you scored a tidy win. But instead, you stumble. You crash.

Do you…Beat self up

  • Beat yourself up?
  • Doubt your abilities?
  • Compare yourself to others?

I’ve done all those things. In fact, if I’m being honest, I used to see them as proof of diligence, discipline, and a high bar.

Can anyone reading this relate?

Scenario 2

Now, think of someone you care for—a family member, friend, or beloved client—who did those brave things: trying something new, aiming high, or speaking up for what’s right. And they stumbled. They crashed.

How would you respond in their moment of despair? Would you doubt their abilities, beat them up, or compare them unfavorably to others?

Or would you:encouragement

  • Tell them you’re proud of them?
  • Remind them you’re in their corner?
  • Applaud their courage and resilience?

I know you’d applaud, support, and encourage them. I would, too.

Every. Single. Time.

So why do we beat ourselves up when WE’RE the ones being brave?

Here’s a simple tip paraphrasing Dr. Kristin Neff, who researches the science of self compassion:

Treat yourself like someone you love.

Use that voice. Use those words.

This was HARD for me. I was 100% able to extend compassion and empathy to many, but extending it to myself felt weak. As in, self-compassion = self-indulgence.

My clients—kind, generous, fierce, and tender leaders who didn’t see themselves how the rest of us saw them, people I care for deeply and am honored to partner with—inspired me to build the muscle.

Here is a short daily practice that I coach—and practice myself. It works for me because I’m usually tired, and this is SIMPLE:

  • I name three things I’m grateful for.
  • For anything where I took a chance and crashed, I honor the courage it took to try: “It would have been so much easier not to do that—great job trying.”

Building this muscle has been transformative for me. It’s helped me find the resilience, confidence, and optimism to turn many stumbles into steppingstones—and stay in the game.

Next time you stumble, try treating yourself like someone you love. That voice. Those words.

Even if it’s two steps forward and one step back, honor the courage it took to try.

Lakshmi Gopalkrishnan

Lakshmi Gopalkrishnan

I want to give special thanks to Lakshmi Gopalkrishnan for this post. We met in 2012 while training to be coaches at CTI in San Rafael, California. We completed a fast-track program and a rigorous certification that changed our lives.

Today, I collaborate with individuals, teams, and organizations using a powerful combination of coaching, branding, and marketing communications to inspire happiness and drive higher performance.  

Through her company, Infinite Impact, Lakshmi offers her expertise as a High-Performance keynote speaker,  executive leadership coach, and master facilitator for Dr. Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead™.  Follow Lakshmi on LinkedIn for more energizing posts.

Blog Emotional Intelligence Health and Wellness Mindfulness and Well-Being Positive Psychology Self-Development
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Tetris Blocks Videogame Screenshot

Rewire Your Brain for Happiness: Why What You Think About Is What You Think About

Posted by Chris Cook on
 December 3, 2015
  ·  No Comments

This time of year, I’m reminded of the connection between gratitude and happiness and the need to get more of both. I’ve noticed people tend to spend more time focusing on what is wrong and not enough about what is right in their lives.

For some people, it’s their job. People in professions like tax accounting, auditing, and law may be even more focused on the wrong—the mistakes—because that’s what they are trained and paid to do: to find the wrong and fix it.

What happens when we focus on what’s wrong more than what’s right? Harvard researcher Shawn Achor calls it the Tetris Effect. I call it “What You Think About Is What You Think About.” Granted, Shawn’s title is catchier, but mine is more descriptive.

Four years ago, a Google search for gratitude + happiness yielded 14.6 million results. This month, the same search yielded 25.8 million results. That’s 11.2 million more instances of gratitude + happiness online. Now that in itself is something I’m grateful for, and it makes me happy. That means more people discussing, researching, writing about and considering the combination of gratitude and happiness at reputable institutions such as The New York Times, Harvard, Psychology Today and Forbes.

In a research study, 27 Harvard students were paid to play the videogame Tetris for multiple hours a day, three days in a row. In the following days, the students reported they couldn’t stop seeing the Tetris shapes everywhere they looked. Their brains kept trying to rearrange everything—from buildings and trees on the landscape to cereal boxes on the shelf in the grocery store—to form a solid line so as to advance to the next level of the videogame. They couldn’t stop seeing the world as sequences of Tetris blocks!

This is caused by a natural physical process that actually changes the wiring of the brain. These new neural pathways warped the way these students viewed real-life situations. When people are focused on something—anything—their brains adapt and hone in on those circumstances and events.

A tax accountant may be terrific at her job, but when she brings her way of looking at the world home, she will miss seeing all the good in her life and may be on the road to depression. The same goes for the great attorney, who may be terrific in court but not so much at home, where family members feel like they are participants in a deposition.

Think about what you think about. When you notice something good happening, really notice it. Relish it. The more you can take notice, the more you will begin to see. Revisit my blog post What Went Well to learn a great technique for boosting your awareness and gratitude for the happy moments in life.

References

Achor, S. (2010). The happiness advantage: The seven principals of positive psychology that fuel success and performance at work. New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.

Blog Depression and Mood Emotional Intelligence Happiness at Work Leadership Coaching Life Coaching Positive Psychology Science of Happiness
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Develop Positive Rituals to Increase Emotional Intelligence

Posted by Chris Cook on
 March 19, 2014
  ·  No Comments

Meditation in the Workplace

As we begin to understand our responses to situations, we can more effectively regulate and manage our emotions. My Master in Management class, “Working with Emotional Intelligence,” encourages students to build more awareness and confidence in their ability to understand and strengthen their emotional intelligence.

Our habits are expressed through four domains: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Every thought, feeling and action has an energy consequence; it can either be energy-producing or energy-draining.

We can manage this flow of energy through oscillation—cycling between expending and renewing our energy—which leads to high performance when balanced. Positive rituals or habits enhance and renew our energy levels and are the key to sustained high performance and focused full engagement. The feeling that accompanies these positive routines and sustains the energy renewal is that of appreciation or gratitude.

My challenge to the students this week: Explore your habits or routines that enhance or renew your energy levels. What fills you up and helps you restore your balance, sense of confidence and balance in life?

Look at all of the domains: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. What are the routines for each?

If you do not have any, what would you like to incorporate or practice?

Physically, perhaps a walk around the block or a 10-minute stretch twice a day will renew your energy levels. Examples of emotional boosts include writing or journaling for 15 minutes each morning or evening with a focus on that which brings you joy or gratitude (see my blog post What Went Well). Positive mental rituals could be researching something you are passionate about or strategizing action steps to reach a goal. The spiritual focus could be meditating, positive affirmations or prayer.

I encourage you to practice one or two of these behaviors. As you practice them, take the time to feel the sense of appreciation and gratitude for this gift to yourself. Let that feeling soak into all of your senses and let yourself be with it for as long as possible. Please share your experiences.

Blog Depression and Mood Emotional Intelligence Life Coaching Positive Psychology Science of Happiness
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Happy Girl with an Ice Cream Cone

What Went Well?

Posted by Chris Cook on
 December 3, 2011
  ·  4 Comments

What are you grateful for today? What good did you do today? How were you helpful today? What went well today?

How did it feel to answer these questions? (It felt good, didn’t it?)

Most of us get so caught up in what’s going wrong in life that when something good happens, we often overlook it. When our minds are focused on the bad and the wrong we fail to notice the good and the right.

Here’s a little exercise that you can incorporate into your life to help you notice the good more readily and increase your feelings of happiness and gratitude. It’s called “What Went Well,” and while there are many variations, I especially like Marty Seligman’s. He suggests that at the end of each day, you take a few minutes to write down three things that went well. These things don’t need to be earth shattering in importance (“The corner store is carrying a new flavor of ice cream that I’ve been looking for”), but they can be important (“My daughter was accepted at her first-choice university”). Next to each positive event, answer the question “Why did this happen?” For example, if you wrote about your daughter being accepted at her first-choice university, you might write “because she was focused on her goal and took the steps necessary to succeed” or “she was very thoughtful in answering the essay on the admissions application.”

It may seem a little awkward at first to write about positive events in your life, but stick with it. It will get easier. You will begin noticing the positive events as they are happening and have the opportunity to RELISH them. I bet that six months from now, you will be less depressed, happier, more grateful and maybe even addicted to this exercise.

Are you already doing a variation on “What Went Well?” Please tell us about it in a comment below.

References

Seligman, M.E.P. (2011). Flourish. New York, NY: Free Press.

Image

Naito8 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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What You Think About Is What You Think About

Posted by Chris Cook on
 November 27, 2011
  ·  5 Comments

A Google search for gratitude + happiness yields 14,600,000 results (in .20 seconds).

Now that in itself is something that I’m grateful for AND it makes me happy. This Thanksgiving season, I explore the connection between gratitude and happiness and how to get more of both.

I’ve noticed that people tend to spend more time thinking about what goes wrong and not enough about what is going right in their lives. People in professions like tax accounting, auditing and law may be even MORE focused on the wrong – the mistakes – because that’s what they are trained and paid to do. To find the wrong and fix it.

What happens when we focus on what’s wrong more than what’s right and good in our lives? Harvard researcher Shawn Achor calls it the “Tetris Effect.” I call it “What You Think About is What You Think About.” Granted, Shawn’s title is a bit catchier, but mine is more descriptive.

Here’s the deal: 27 Harvard students were paid to play Tetris for multiple hours a day, three days in a row. For many days after, the students reported that they couldn’t stop seeing the Tetris shapes everywhere they looked, with their brains trying to re-arrange everything – from buildings and trees on the landscape to cereal boxes on the shelf in the grocery store – so that they would fit together to form a solid line so as to move on to the next level of the video game. Put simply, they couldn’t stop seeing the world as being made up of sequences of Tetris blocks!

This is caused by a normal physical process that actually changes the wiring of the brain. These new neural pathways warped the way these students viewed real-life situations. So when people are focused on something – anything – their brains adapt and hone in on those circumstances and events. A tax accountant may be terrific at her job, but when she brings her way of looking at the world home, she will miss seeing all the good in her life and may be on the road to depression. The same goes for the great attorney – terrific in court, but not so much at home where family members feel like they are participants in a deposition!

So think about what you think about. Make notes. Later this week, I’ll share some proven techniques to help you focus on the good things in life, and this will increase your happiness AND gratitude.

References

Achor, S. (2010). The happiness advantage: The seven principals of positive psychology that fuel success and performance at work. New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.

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